I don’t cry much. I’m just not one of those people. I keep most of my deep feelings in. I keep it together. I fake it till I make it. I’ve been doing that for awhile. I don’t know if I’ve always been like that or not. I know when my first husband left me and our 12 week old baby, I had to keep it together. I would bawl my head off and scream at the top of my lungs after I would drop her off at daycare and drive to work. Then I would have to get it together and survive because she was counting on me. So maybe it was a learned behavior as I tried to deal with being a single parent. Regardless, it has become a part of who I am. You have to be someone I deeply trust to really know me and that’s probably not a good thing. It’s that wall and that security and that control over who can hurt me but it doesn’t allow for a lot of closeness either. But lately, the tears are falling and I just can’t keep it together anymore. I’ve cried more in the last month than I have in the entire last year.
At the end of March, we got the opportunity to go visit our Ethiopian son. We have been in the adoption process for just at 4 years now. We received our referral finally in August of 2015. So, almost 9 months ago we finally had a picture and a name and a precious boy to pray for and long for. I didn’t really have many expectations around meeting him, just nervous. But, it was amazing and he is amazing. His personality fits perfect in our family. We loved him instantly. It was so hard to leave him and I expected to feel that way but I was completely blown by how much it upset him. We ached afterwards because he so longed to be with us and in our family.
On our way to the airport for this trip, we received a phone call that the cases for the 27 kids who were at the orphanage were being reopened for investigation. This was new and not customary but we were told it was ok to go. In the last few months the division over adoptions has gotten a new director and they are not supportive of international adoption. As a result, a lot of changes, roadblocks, you name it, have been thrown up for those of us in the process. We were hopeful, as were most, that since we had already received our referral that these would just be detours, but not derailments. They did interviews last week of surviving relatives and we have been waiting on their findings. This phone call came yesterday and it hit like a ton of bricks. The Ethiopian government is no longer going to allow these 27 kids to be adopted.
We are devastated. What is going on? We truly feel like we have been faithful and obedient and we know that God has a better plan than we could ever imagine. But right now, I don’t get it. I don’t understand. I can’t even hardly function. I think I’m in mourning. I keep thinking about having to return his metal initial for over his bed, his comforter, his clothes. What about the twin bed we just bought for him after we redid “the boys’” room. Are we done with the adoption process? I can’t imagine now our life without him. Is this the end of the road? We trusted God and we have gone down this path and it has been hell at times. Truly hell. We have been attacked on so many fronts for even pursuing international adoption. What now? What’s the plan, God? Because I’m lost and I don’t know anymore where we are going.
I’m tired, my kids are tired, my husband is tired. Being a parent is so hard. Adoption is hard. Losing a child is hard. I am grateful for the abundance of blessings that God has given us. Please don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful that I have a relationship with God where I can tell Him that I’m angry with Him and know that He still loves me in spite of me. Please pray for our Ethiopian son. We only want what’s best for Him and we want God’s will for Him above all else. We have not been given the official “it’s over” yet but the outlook currently does not look very positive. Please pray.
Some of you (the lucky ones, ha!) have had to sit uncomfortably and watch me cry and lose it over the last few weeks. I am grateful for you. To the rest of you guys, you may be next, because right now I just don’t have it in me anymore to fake it. Life is hard and full of ups and downs and that’s reality.
